found this sad truth

haha #reallife #peoplearejerks #passionscrewsyouover

But why not?

So this was me at work. Yes, it was the worst.. So I did something kinda irrational, and highly spontaneous. One day I went to work and was walking out half an hour later. I quit, straight up. Quit. I know right? I gave it no thought before hand, it just kind of came out. And no what? I have never felt more liberated!

Oddly enough, this has been a semester of rather impulsive moves. For starters I found my apartment the week school started, moving in with some girls that have become some of my best frens. With said girlies, we went out one night and got a kitty. We named her Lady and she'll steal your heart. Lady has become another best friend, yes I am aware I'm teetering very close to the crazy cat lady edge, but it's fine.

But really, it's made for some of the best experiences. It's slightly dangerous, yes, but things have a way of always working out. And lately I've never been happier.

PS, I just peeked out the window and it's trying to snow. :)
xx

It's like he forgot what real was

I've been thinking for quite some time now on how'd I'd approach this, you know, the topic of el missionary. I didn't want to sound aloof or bitter or pathetic or snotty or whatever. Words have bounced around in my head for weeks. There is so much to be said about it, but not much is worth saying. This is what it is. Missionary is not who he was. Which is just fine, we all need to become who we are meant to be. It's just sad that the new person Nate is not someone I could ever have in my life. In my eyes Nate wasn't very nice, and I'm sure he feels the same way about me. It's easy to regret all the letters and moments and times we had, but honestly what is to regret? I love who I am now and I wouldn't be here but for all the joy and then pain that Nathan brought.

The biggest thing I learned is that it doesn't matter how bad you want something to work, as long as the other person is giving up. Nate couldn't accept my flaws, while I was so willing to accept his. But I've learned something wonderful about myself. I'm crazy passionate, to a fault. And when I say I love someone I mean it. Nate used to tell me all the silly things couples tell each other, how we were perfect for each other, and nothing would ever take us apart. And I'd say them right back. Now Nate has taken back all the promises he made. But I won't. I said I'd love him, and I said that with eyes wide open, understanding he wasn't perfect, and neither was I. But I was still willing to make forever happen. Because that's what two people in love do, they stick it out through all the thick of thin things, and all the thick of the thickest things. Nate wasn't willing to do that. Not with me. And that's fine. I'll find someone who will.

It's still the most painful thing of my life. Just typing this is causing the room to spin and my chest to get tight as I think of all the happy that's been forfeited. But I wouldn't have it any other way. Nate demonstrated qualities of giving up I would never want in a husband, not when our forever is at stake. I've grown more spiritually and mentally then I think I ever have in my entire life, as pathetic as that sounds haha. I wouldn't wish heartache on anyone, but if this much good could come from it I wouldn't keep it from anyone. One of the strongest truths I've learned from this is that our capacity for love is inversely proportional to our capacity for heartache. So thanks Nate, you've made me a better lover by a million times. Love that unfortunately will never be for you. But that's ok. Really.

One of the worst things Nate said is that he doesn't think of me. The boy that told me he'd love me forever, that nothing compared to me, was now telling me I never crossed his mind. Daggers. I'd like to pretend it was a lie, when he used to say I was his everything. But that's fine. He can be that way if he wants. I think of him though, as one remembers a painfully closed chapter of their life. I would never revisit it, but I remember it with love. I promised once that I'd always love him, and that wasn't conditional like it appears to be with him. That love is a little different now, but it's still there. And oddly, I wouldn't ever have it taken away. I love him still. I believe that you never stop loving someone, and every love is different. So now I look to the future. For as wonderful as things once were with Nathan, they are only going to be even better with someone else. This experience has refined me for when I am to find him, and I'm grateful for it. I'm that much more ready for a real love that will mean more than anything to me. He'll find me when he's ready.


So goodbye Nate. I won't miss you. But I'll think of you. I wish you the very best, and thank you for all the wonderful and terrible things you taught me.

Simpler times

 

I'll always love you. Just differently.

 

Closed Chapter

personal philosophies

So far, I have three philosophies for life:

 

1. Just do what makes you happy

2. Never give up, but at times, choose to let go

3. If you're going to do anything, do it well

 

 

 

Also, I love this lady. I feel like soul sisters lately, she sings my feelings

 

 

In one of my classes we discussed how pop culture music is all so generic. Same base lines, same verse and bridge format, same lengths, same beginnings and ends, etc. Ellie still fits several molds of  pop music, but at the same time she breaks rules and I love it. The way this song builds and then the sudden ebb of an ending. It keeps you on your toes

 



don't do it the worlds way

If there's one thing I've learned lately, it's that the world breeds mediocrity. It's a conundrum really. I mean everything in life is so demanding.  You're supposed to stand out and be different and interesting and entertaining and perfect. And what does this all give us? A generation of hyper-stimulated, slightly depressed, stretched-much-to-thin group of losts. Because you can't take it all on. Busy doesn't equal successful. A full schedule and work load is something you earn.

And when you fail, because you're doomed to, it gets to a point that you don't want to keep trying. You settle on the mediocrity, because wholeness doesn't seem possible. Things stop bringing you happiness, because you feel like a failure in all aspects.

So what are we to do? Don't do it the worlds way. We are all bright, beautiful beings. And we all have good things to accomplish. But don't let this busy, over-stimulating world bring you down. Do what you love, work hard, and be happy. Challenge yourself, but don't take on too much. Do what makes you happy.

Rant over:) How was your day?

back!

oh hi. I'm ending my several month long, unintentional hiatus from the blog sheepishly offering a lovely picture of Clooney as an apology for the neglect. Things were just too relaxed in Hawaii it took me a bit to readjust to a real schedule and find time to blog. Ok that's a lie I just didn't want to haha. But here's this and i'll try to be better from here out.

Oh hey

 

UPDATES!

i'm back in the promised land of Provo, attending the prestigious BYU once more, well on my way in the PR major with a fun minor in music just to keep things interesting.

 

James, the little bro, has just left on his two year mission to Wisconson. He's been ready for this his whole life. Send him a letter if you'd like, his address is on his facebook. or just ask me and i'll get it for you

 

I have a marathon looming in less than a month, and I just don't want to train. if you have any motivation for me, please share? It's the St. George one, so should be fun right?

 

missionary Nate is back! Having so much fun getting to know him once more

 

Silk Soy milk, very vanilla is the best thing ever. Yum. Heaven in a glass

 

That's all! Pictures and more to follow! Loves and kisses!

White Lightning

White Lightning

want some awesome music? check out the above link. this is my awesome friend who knows more about music than you know about your own nose. Perfect for the gym or maybe a super serious study sesh. Check out more of his stuff on soundcloud

also. if you're a fan of Kaskade, check out this live recording for Coachella. spectacular, no?

http://soundcloud.com/kaskade/kaskade-live-at-coachella-2012

10 points to gryffindor if you actually know who Uncle Iroh is

the style's in the accents

Lately I've been loving triangle edges, chiffon, chunky anythings, and turquoise. 

But hawaii has left me rather broke. So i'm stuck making stupid wish-lists

But on the bright side, Gossip Girl is finally coming back

i feel like i posted this a while ago, but i still really want it. so i'm posting it again:)

If you can't be as skinny as a skeleton, just wear one

this is my favorite song of late. doesn't matter that the target audience was probably 14yearolds, i just love it

points off for lost limbs

hi. looking for the perfect distraction from finals? here go

http://www.addictinggames.com/action-games/hanger-2-game.jsp

My Island

I'm leaving this beautiful place called Oahu sooner rather than later. The idea makes my soul cry; I've become so attached to everything about this place. The people, the nature, the sounds, the smells, the ideals, and the tastes. Here are just a few changes that Hawaii has wrought upon me.

-An even greater love for my darling family. Especially my mommy

-I feel old. It's a younger demographic at BYU-H, or at least the kids act younger. It's helped me realize what age has taught me, and embraced the new me. Don't get me wrong, i'm just as silly and adventurous as the next kid, but I can celebrate my maturity at the same time.

-A love for sand. It gets everywhere, just like how the vibe of Hawaii get's under your skin. It's got it's grittiness, but over all it's beautiful and you couldn't have a beach without it.

-Better money management. It's flippin expensive out here

-Patience. Not by choice. But it is a divine gift and I'm happy to have the chance to develop it

-A new love for my natural beauty. There's this style out here i'll call "Hawaii Grunge." Imagine a top not, skinnies, and some beat up old t-shirt. Sandals are optional. Make-up is unheard of. But with the simplicity comes the true beauty. Maybe it's just cause everyone is so tan, but there is a loveliness in the easiness and carelessness.

-A deep love for macadamia nuts, coconut, and shrimp.

-A better appreciation for the friends in my life. Those I've made here and those back home. People are so good. There are so many I'm lucky to know

-I've learned to slow down and communicate earnestly. One would hardly thing of Utah as a fast paced land, but anything is fast compared to Hawaii. And it is such a melting pot of cultures, before breakfast you run into 10 new ethnicities you didn't even know existed. Communication has to be executed on a different level. People don't understand things the same way you do. And if you keep trying to explain yourself in a way you would understand, you will never get your idea across. I've learned to be sensitive and work towards what a person responds to. Above all I've learned that kind words get you a lot farther than impatient ones.

-More love for my Gospel. My testimony is always growing, and this semester has been no exception. I know my God loves me, and I love him. I am blessed. And I know because of my blessing great things are expected of me. I want to make them proud.

-
Mahalo

An adaption of a facebook status:

Accept your worrisome thought as a thought you might have then move on, no one else can see it besides you. Why dwell on such an insignificance?

 

Struggling with some big decisions lately. 

On one had, I'm not sure what would be practical

Am I just caught up in the excitement?

On the other, I'm only young once

I just wanna be free

 

 My backyard

 

But you've gotta be wise. Sometimes what seems like it will make you happy will make you miserable in the long run. Sure I can make every decision I'm given freely, but I will never be able to choose my consequences.

The problem is, sometimes those consequences are so far away, it's hard to know exactly how they will effect me.

The best thing I can do is pray and work hard

A good enough reason to miss a few midterms

Soooo i took hundreds of pictures on this trip. Ask my family, they couldn't keep the camera away from me. Unfortunatly, all those pics didn't quite make it onto my computer when i flew back to Hawaii. So I'm stuck with trying to give justice to a trip of 4 different times zones, 2 full days of flying, a million happy old friends, new family with adorable accents, and a sad tale of lost luggage through lame phone pictures. Here goes:

 What better way to start a vacay then hitting up matsumoto shave ice. Never had more sugar in one sitting. This is the kind of snow cone place that is so good they sell t-shirts

Air and Space Museum. My daddy was like a kid at Christmas

Can you believe my family had never been to Chipotle? I helped the fall in love. It wasn't hard

At a different kind of mall. 

My favorite girl.

I missed her so much. She's growing up way too fast.

My main man

  I took full advantage of the cold weather to get scarf wearing out of my system

The marvelous DC temple. This picture doesn't do it justice; it's seven stories tall. It looms. Braylin was right to pick it as her temple. 

My first view of Utah in three months. It felt good to be back. Even if it was just for a few hours

And finally, the reason for the whole lovely trip. 

My beautiful, new, happy sister with an even happier Kevin.

Probably the worst picture of them, but they're still adorbs. 

I really have never been prouder of this kid. 

My big brother is married. Oddly enough, it doesn't feel odd. We all knew they were perfect for each other, and their being in love just turned him into and even more wonderful version of himself. They are puzzle pieces. I can't image them any other way then together.
<3

PS. The trip down to North Carolina was not represented, but it was full of country highways, country music, balmy walks, southern accents, and amazing food. I couldn't help but use a fake southern accent half the time. I would really love to live out there someday.

Nope, Chuck Testa

on ma mind

just those thoughts in your head. 

i know it sounds like a cop out, but some things you can't even explain to yourself. it's just what you want, how and who you are, and where you want to be

Boot's and Kimo's for breakfast

Macadamia Nut Sauce.

Fun fact, until i spelled it just barely, i definitely thought Macadamia had an "n" at the end

Either way, best breakfast on the island. doesn't look like much, buttttt it = heaven

just another day

Today was a lovely day. After mushing through school, I ran into this happy kid and we took a lil adventure to the dole plantation for some famous pineapple ice cream. I was bummed we didn't have time to see the pineapple express or do the world's largest pineapple maze, but it was a good time:)

a strawberry, pineapple waffle cone and a classic pineapple bowl. 

it's pineapple soft serve made fresh

soooo good

To top it all off i come home to find my darling roommate Alice had picked me up some of the ugly hawaii sandals i'd been coveting. 

Just how ugly are these beauts? Everybody has 

them out here, and let me tell you they are clouds for your feet. and the fact that they are hideous just makes me love them all the more. 

I'll never be able to get tired of this drive up to North Shore. 

The scenery is constantly changing and i can hardly take it all in. 

There's something about the easiness of this place, it makes you feel like you belong here, and it's all just been waiting for you to come home. 

valentines day is creeping up, didcha know?