Being diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Well that's maybe the weirdest thing to ever happen to me. It's shifted my whole world; I suddenly feel like an outside observer of my life. The depression symptoms had to have been brought on by the accutane, but the anxiety has been a beast in my life for almost my whole existence, I think. It's a relief to know there is something to blame my pain on, but at the same time this just opens up a whole new door of issues. I have a broken mind. And that's not something humans are real keen at fixing. I'm hesitant to put my issues in anyone elses hands, but I know I sure as hail can't handle things myself. And there is this odd self-indulgence that is reveling in this all. Like an "I told you so" sickly, twisted emotion that sometimes crawls out of it's cave to brag to me that it always knew something was wrong with me, and nothing will ever fix me. I wonder how much of this is my fault. Did I do this to myself? Can I save myself? Or am I at the mercy of a little, orange bottle of pills for the rest of my life.

Mostly I'm just exhausted, and the anxiety pills don't help. They keep everything shallow, even sleep. Sleep is my escape. I don't have the horrendous thoughts so much anymore. But i'm not necessarily anywhere near "happy." Whatever that is. So sleep is my sanctuary. It's blind.

The emotions range from anger and hate at inatimates to complete apathy and hopelessness. The apathy is my favorite, which sickens me. Apathy is a cowardly emotion. But it's such a relief. I'd rather a dead nerve than an exposed, raw, twitching nerve. I still have auto-pilot, thank heaven. You wouldn't believe how good I am at turning on the charm and joking my way through any kind of social interaction. I've been on more dates this semester than maybe my whole life. But people are so droll. And instances where I used to shine now frighten me. I spent my last Sunday at school finding the secret hallways around campus buildings to avoid seeing my wardies. Or ex-dates. Or even roommates. I didn't want to turn on the fake. But I couldn't show them the bleeding nerve either. Better to just hide all together.

I love human interaction; it's healing. But people don't understand this kind of sickness. I don't understand this sickness. And there's no tactful way to tell someone you're having suicidal thoughts. Especially when you're on fake happy auto-pilot when you do. But how do you show someone the raw, aching, shadow of yourself that hides under furniture so the world doesn't swallow them, or seeks pain so they have some control over them-self.

One of the saddest things to me is that I hid all of this from the boy I had been dating for a few months. I couldn't even approach the topic with him because of fear. I even tried confiding in his brother before telling this boy i was supposed to be safe with. I didn't want to admit it to myself or to him that I was imploding on the inside. Instead I used him as a distraction. How on earth am I ever going to be real in a relationship when I'm so terrified to show this less than perfect, but enormous, part of myself? I need someone who will understand and help me, but I don't want anyone's help. I don't want to have to depend on someone. Now the pills have completely turned off my sex drive, so I think that's created an even stronger aversion to boys. I just don't care about anything.

The hardest thing is that I've had to turn off my critical thinking. The gripping anxiety that arises whenever I try to focus was slowly destroying me. Everything had to become shallow, for fear of drowning myself. So I'm just skimming along, avoiding anything that might aggravate or hurt. I don't know if I'm making progress or digressing. Maybe this is what real life feels like, and I'll just be living with this torrential confusion and pain in my heart for always. That's fine I guess. As long as I can sleep.

August

Blogs are hard.  So I'm just going to post some things for myself right now, and you can like it if you want

Why do I love this so much? I mean I'm not even good. 

Southern Utah Somewhere

Bumpkin living

Sorry if it gets graphic, i'll admit i didn't watch much of it.

I worship TED talks

I love this. Everyone is always complaining about the demise of society and our ignorance and poor language skills blah blah blah. But the colloquial way we communicate is possibly the most importance part of communication. Mr. John McWhorter explains that texting has become almost a "dialect," adding to our "linguistic repertoire." Hopefully that makes you feel better about the amount of time you spend loling and tweeting and what not.

Speaking of tweeting, give me a follow. I love to follow back. I used to think twitter was so silly and pointless. And well, it may be. But there is a fun culture and I love getting my news that way. Also it stretches you to be clever and engaging. Plus what PR student can ignore the twittersphere? 

https://twitter.com/suziefluke

 Cheers:)

#GoodBetterBest

He was a bit of a crazy old coon, but he had his moments. On an unrelated note, I'm going to go see a Pink  Floyd laser show in slc this weekend. Unreasonably excited.

This quote has been at the side of my blog for years, but I just rediscovered it today.

Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit it openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognized, or even worst, returned. But one thing about human beings puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection even if it kills them slowly within.

— Sigmund Freud

 Think about it. Are you holding on to anything that's killing you softly? I have a roommate who is struggling to let go of a boy that has been awful to her. And then there's me, who is sometimes still haunted by missionary. I'm sure there are a million more girls, and boys?, who feel the same. And it's terrible for us! Don't be afraid to let go. One thing that's been on my mind lately is the Law of Compensation. You know, the one about the Lord returning to us what we have sacrificed. I used to think this only applied to our body being restored perfectly when we are resurrected, but I learned a little more about it in a talk by dear Elder Wirthlin.

 He said :
 "The third thing we can do [to help with trails] is understand the principle of compensation. The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."

Come what may and love it 

How wonderful is that? Anything we are asked to give up, will be reinstated to us in the best way possible for us. Whether you give up time or money or that cute coat you gave to goodwill or  a son for a mission or  that job because they want you to work on Sunday. Or giving up someone you thought you loved who is no good for you. You will be given something better, that is an eternal promise. And it will be returned "a hundredfold." Think about Job and all he gave up, and how happy he will be in the eternities with it all restored a hundredfold.

If you can give up something that the Lord requires of you, or let go of a sin, or chose to surrender when something isn't quite right, you will be blessed for your obedience and patient. Let go of the natural man that Freud speaks of. You are divine and deserve the greatest. Don't be afraid to let go, thinking you can never find anything better. I promise if you are faithful the best will find you.

Today

Today, a million things went wrong. And I have no idea how I'm going to fix them. Ordinarily I'd be swallowed up in worry right now, but the strangest thing has happened. The oddest sensation. My heart is light and smiling.

Today, my soul feels free and loved.

 And I can't help but smile and know that everything will work out.

 

Be still and know that he is God. And he will direct thy paths
Sorry to be cheesy,
But I wanted to write this down so I'd never forget it. I feel my saviors love, and his confidence in me.

Terrible quality phone pictures diary

 It's been a great week:) Here's a little documentation.

 The dream team of couples finally sealed the deal. I could not love these kids more. They are perfect for each other. We've been friends for a while and I'm so happy it's lasted, as the two guys were originally missionaries friends. You could say I kept the kids in the divorce;) Such a beautiful wedding. I can't rave enough about it. So much love in the air <3 br="">

 My friend designed these ski's and then won the vote and got them made in real life for free! He's just that kind of guy. So cool

 Here are those love birds. Eric should have warned me he was gonna be cute so i could have gotten a better picture. all well. darling

 My favorite outfit of the last week.  Yellow!

I'll have you know this look helped me get the hottest date at our ward dating game. I'm sure it was the orange lipstick. Ha....yeah no the boys were probably just blinded by all my color.

 Finally made it out to the new Trader Joe's in SLC. If ever there was a hipster grocery, this would be it. All things organic and wholesome and natural I could die. And of course I go first for the cookie butter. Literally cookies made into a peanut butter consistency. This blows nutella out of the competition. Put it on everything, and enjoy the trip to sweet, ambrosia heaven.

 My cousin is a producer and just signed this kid, Caleb Blood. Don't let his punk look fool you, his style is reminiscent of N'Sync. Haha, but don't let that scare you away. He really was absolutetly wonderful. There is this one song, called Taken, he wrote about his wife and how she is a taken girl. Looooove. He is a music student at BYU, so you know he's got the real talent and technique behind his music. 

 We got to go to his latest album release at Velour music gallery. Check him out on youtube or facebook! Really, he's great.

Just think, someday (with Manny's help) Caleb might be as huge as Imagine Dragons or Neon Trees, and you can say you discovered him first. Who of us doesn't have an inner hipster that wouldn't love to be in on that? ;)

 xx

XCountry

 So, if you've ever had the unfortunate experience of hitting the slopes with me, you'll know I'm uncannily uncoordinated when it comes to downhill winter sports. Wakeboarding? No problem! Long boarding? Love it. Even mountain biking comes naturally. But skiing down a mountain? No. Nope. Sorry. Does not compute. I wasn't bestowed that desire (death-wish.) No. But this past weekend I found myself strapping sticks to my feet once again. The difference? No imminent death was threatening. This was actually quite nice. Cross country skiing, where have you been all my life? Just like hiking. Or running! Maybe that's why i like it. And you get fun little bursts of speeds after working up a hill. Nice. And the ratio of my falling versus my actual upright movement is much more impressive then my downhill skiing track record.

I was actually able to enjoy the lovely scenery, too.

 

 Brandon and Steph. Steph-a-noodle was rocking an 80s vibe with her overalls and sweater. Lurv

 Silly phone being blurry. But I kinda love the effect

 

Kev and Bray rockin the sunglasses they found in the suburban

 

Daniel. I couldn't get a decent picture of this hooligan because he was always either miles ahead, or miles behind. He would fall and just lay there. They get up and leave us all in the dust.

Like I said. Hooligan

Happy happy, pretty pretty.

 

Seriously this chick. And people say she's just like me? Come on now

My family takes the grand prize. Always. The best part of the picture is Daniel trying to smile at the camera but being denied by his hood.

I really hope he hasn't discovered my blog yet

Sooo, at the risk of sharing prematurly, I just want to say...I met someone. Someone not like the 15,000 other boys I've been dating recently. (I really don't mean that to be cocky. It's just like, after everything fell apart with missionary I realized there  were a million boys around looking for someone just as hard as I now was. This is Provo, for Pete's sake. Dates are a dime a dozen.) For the first time I'm going about dating as i should be, with my eyes wide open and emotions on hold for the beginnings. Emotions are what got me attached and in trouble before. So this time I'm being prayerful and thoughtful about the stranger across the Vietnamese cafe table from me.  My list for a guy is simple:

-Worthy priesthood holder, and all that that entails
-Kind and forgiving
-Driven and a hard worker
-Funny:)
-We make each other want to be better

But, of course, there also needs to be that initial spark of chemistry. It's been a little tricky trying to find all these things in one guy. Not to mention that he had to be interested in me, too. Errrr.

For a while I felt like I could only find people a little beneath my level or way out of my reach. Was there no one on my plane? Was I setting unrealistic expectations? Or was there no one with the qualities that I wanted who would want me back? I thought about just going for people out of my league anyway, as they were the keepers. But I couldn't get over the feelings of intimidation; I couldn't be myself.

Then I met this boy, and remembered what it feels like to be compatible. We have too many things in common, it's almost disconcerting haha. We love the same flavor at Coldstone, never getting anything else. We've both read some of the nerdiest books on the planet. We love the same old school artists and get a little geeky when we talk lyrics and music. He asks all the silly questions that I usually ask when trying to get to know someone. And let me tell you, I'm sorry to all the guys I've dated and sprung these questions on, they're tricky! In any case, me and this kid just fit. In a way that I haven't felt in....never. Quite honestly he wins. Even from just these first few dates I feel I fit closer with this guy then I ever did with missionary.

Bonding over Wheel of Time, who knew? Thank you Robert Jordan

I think I just wanted it so bad with missionary, I was willing to pretend a little here and stretch a little there. Maybe I forced the compatibility. But it was so long ago, who can know. I don't want to discount what I had with missionary, as it was lovely (even if it is horrendous now.) I just want to emphasize how good it is with this new guy. Not having to try too hard. Not being bored, but not feeling like he's miles out of my league.

Don't get me wrong. New guy is still amazing and I look up to him and what he does quite a bit. And he really encourages me to be better as well. It's just comfortable though, not a strain. It feels right.

Anyways, it's still the very beginning of whatever this will be. Heck, he could turn out to be a crazy person, obsessed with collecting scissors and keeping flying squirrels as friends. I don't know where this will go. My point is that, there is compatibility out there. There are guys worth finding. And just because it's taking you years to find him, or her, doesn't mean it's an impossible feat. There is nothing wrong with you. You are you, and there is someone who will fit with you. With every date you get that much closer. Stick to your guns, don't compromise on the important things on your list, and live your life worthy of someone that you want. And I promise you'll find him.

That being said, it's been too long since someone instilled butterflies in my tummy. I really hope this does go somewhere. But I'm not rushing into anything. Whatever it is, it will be built to last.

You are enough

And you're going to find him

No such thing as selective vulnerability

Watched it once, watched it twice. I'm still sorting out my thoughts from it. But I want everyone to watch this. She is an eloquent, yet colloquial speaker. And I don't think you can help but recognize yourself in what she describes. 

"What makes you vulnerable, makes you beautiful"

Say you'll come, and set me free

Love this. It's one of those songs that just brings you peace and uplifts and feels melancholy and exciting all at the same time. Bless you Coldplay, what would we do without you? 

I used to sing this thinking of my silly missionary boy. Now I sing it with a little more weight thinking of the man I'll marry someday. Not knowing him yet is just a hiccup ;)

 I wonder if I already know him. And we're just waiting for each other. 

moooo

The other day I drove by some cows and thought, "I kinda want to go play with those." And then on the way back I saw them again and had the same urge. Sooooo I dragged TJ with me and tried to make some cow friends

How cute are they? I'd guess they were probably just a year old. They were still pretty little and fluffy

And verrrrrrry scared of us. This was about as close as we ever got. So much for making friends

 

And still I tried so hard

All In all though, it was a pretty day.

We even drove with the windows down.

Nerrrrrd

We've all "googled" ourselves. But since installing Window's 8, and working with my new windows phone, I've gotten in the habit of "binging" things. and so I decided to bing myself. That sounds weird. Anyways. I discovered this.

http://www.heraldextra.com/news/local/girls-compete-for-highland-junior-miss/article_0e30ab5f-7c92-5203-a291-163cee2350ac.html

An article about Jr. Miss! haha

"Suzie Fluckiger attends Lone Peak High School and is the daughter of Larry and Janeen Fluckiger. She will perform a piano solo by Muezynsk for her talent. She plans on attending BYU and hopes to become a pediatrician, astronaut, lawyer or photographer. She has been on the high honor roll and the senior student council, was Girls State mayor, teaches piano and belongs to the Chamber Choir."

Woooooow. Throwback. Astronaut? I put that in my blurb for a beauty pageant? Land sakes.

 

I can't find any pictures of my pageant on this computer, and I refused to put any on facebook haha (at least I had that much sense) so I settled on this one from my darling Shanelly's Jr. Miss. We were all participants in our years. Such a silly thing, but we all won scholarship money and, although we wouldn't admit it then, had some fun. What girl doesn't want to put on a dress and show off a little?


Also, something great to share with you all. I love doing graphic design. It's so much fun, and such a valuable skill. I've used it so much for work and school. Don't tell anyone, but I also tinker around on it in my evenings sometimes instead of playing with people. Risking getting called a nerd by TJ but it's fine. Anyways, my daddy (a programmer at Microsoft, so you can trust him) told me about this freeware program: Paint.net. It's similar to some adobe programs, and really is quite decent. There are lots of add-ons too, so you can probably find whatever it is you need.
'

 

Please judge me later, but here is a bit of airbrushing I've been learning. Grrrrrrrrt fun

 

 

I also learned how to make fire from nothing. Yeah probably not that impressive, but I love it.

 

xx

 

Anyone who imagines

 that bliss is normal

 is going to waste a lot of time running around

 shouting that he's been robbed.

The fact is that most putts don't drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to just be people, most successful marriages require high degree of mutual toleration,

 most jobs are more often dull than otherwise.

 Life is like an old time rail journey...delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts,

interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed.

The trick is to thank the Lord

 for letting you have the ride.

 

-Gordon B. Hinckley

 

Growing up it was always so easy for me to be happy. Which is probably just a testament to how simple I was. But it was up until recently that happy came easy. Then when I started having trouble finding joy so easily, I thought I was doing something wrong.

 

The world can be grim. And there is so much to be upset about. Of course it's going to be a chore to stay happy. It's an inconvenient truth (not a shout out to Al Gore, I just really like that phrase.) All this means is that you need to find the right ways to be happy. Sometimes I pretend that shopping or racing or having boys love me will make me happiest. J. Crew and medals; all we need, right?

  Buttttt we know that's not true.

 

The trickiest thing about being happy is that it's work. There are the basics, being humble and charitable. And then I think we all need to find our own recipe. That's what this life is for.

 

The biggest thing though, is gratitude. Express it in everything you do. Count your blessing. Thank your God for allowing you the beautiful, tumultuous ride. And it will bring you true joy.

 

So, today I am grateful for memories.

"God gives us memory so that we might have June roses in the December of our lives"

-Thomas S. Monson

Mad Mad Mad

Please just take a moment to full screen this, turn the volume up, and take it in. Watch it, hear it, internalize it. Please just appreciate the lighting, the shadow, the faceless characters, the allusions. Muse is genius. And something about this song when it surrounds you just hits you. And the video is perfect. Madness, chaos, discord, mobs and anarchy. None of it phases the girl that seem to be causing it. The electricity and madness that is inspired from her encounter with the man dwarfs everything else. You get a gimps of the madness of the relationship when she screams at him. And it's terrifying.And then it's gone. And we are left as outsiders once again. Conscious of the battle taking place around them, but not having a clue as to what drama and rage and emotion is shared secretly between these two beings.

Gosh I love it. Everyone should know a little bit of madness. Nothing else makes you feel as alive.

Ombre lovin'

i love this silly fur vest. yummmm

I got bored and melted my hair. My friends call me brave, but really I'm just crazy. I absolutely love the finished product. So simple to do. Just cover the tips with bleach, going up higher on some strands so you don't get a bad line. Some strands I went all the way up for highlights. I'm a fan of natural looking hair, and really didn't want it to be an obvious melt. More of a subtle ombre.

Just be careful with your bleach. If you don't believe me, see below...

I did color my hair myself, and it's not been done very much. Basically virgin hair. And I swear the box said 50 min. This was it at 30 min. Most frightening moment of my young adult life. I threw a hat on and went to buy dye. Half an hour later I had gotten it where i wanted it and I could breathe again. I'm such a noob. #sosilly #sorryhair #butiknowi'lldoitagain 

Needless to say, this did a number on my hair. Like I said, my hair hasn't been colored all that much and hasn't been too happy. I've taken to carrying around argon oil. It's the cure all for dry hair. Seriously, I have an argon oil testimony. Just don't apply it near the roots. It will make your hair look greasy faster, and trust me, you don't want it to get on your face. Save the Olay for that. I have super sensitive skin and most facial moisturizers sting my skin :( but Olay has got my back

My Utah Winter Moisturizing Dream Team. 

I don't go anywhere without these guys

This is it with my natural curl. Sorry it is such bad quality, I wasn't about to ask my boss to take a picture of my hair ;) But so yep. I feel like it looks like grown out sunkissed hair. Makes me miss Hawaii for some reason...

Top Knot FTW!

Argon oil also does wonders for relaxing your hair so it may be styled easier, too. As you can see, my hair gets pretty excited about it's natural curl. I try to avoid heat as much as possible, so i usually let it air dry. I always apply argon oil while it's wet, some sort of spray styler or mousse, and also a heat protector if I know I'm going to use an iron. Then when it's dry, I usually add a little more oil to the ends before or after I curl. And I only ever use a curling iron on my hair. No straightener for me, not anymore. It's just too much for my poor locks to handle.

It never turns out the same way twice when I curl it. It just likes to keep me guessing. Most of the time it's semi decent. And some times I get it just where I want it

We'll see how long it lasts, but as for now I love it. Stylists are always telling you not to use a box set, and now I should know better. But I just have this complex where I think I can do anything that I want as well as anyone else can. So, well, I just do things :)

A priority

***

"I urge our people everywhere, with all of the persuasiveness of which I am capable, to live worthy to hold a temple recommend, to secure one and regard it as a precious asset, and to make a greater effort to go to the House of the Lord and partake of the spirit and the blessings to be had therein."

—Gordon B. Hinckley

***

Please excuse the picture quality, it was dusk and I only had my phone. But I wanted to catch the peaceful feeling of the spire framed by the mountains. I love the temple.

When I left last night, there was steam rising from the fountains and it looked mystical. So sorry my silly phone couldn't capture the mood. You'll just have to go see for yourself.

strangers

 

Things that say a lot about people:

• the way which they treat the waiter/waitress
• how they feel about the weather
• whether they dog ear pages or highlight in books 
• fingernails 
• and hands in general
• their preferred creative outlet
• how much they dread/enjoy talking on the phone
• whether or not they drink coffee
• if they ever forget to eat
• how honest they are with themselves (and others)
• if they correct your grammar
• how they treat their parents 

(Source: younghabitats, via shewasonceuntouchable)