haha #reallife #peoplearejerks #passionscrewsyouover
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Saturday, December 8, 2012
But why not?
So this was me at work. Yes, it was the worst.. So I did something kinda irrational, and highly spontaneous. One day I went to work and was walking out half an hour later. I quit, straight up. Quit. I know right? I gave it no thought before hand, it just kind of came out. And no what? I have never felt more liberated!
Oddly enough, this has been a semester of rather impulsive moves. For starters I found my apartment the week school started, moving in with some girls that have become some of my best frens. With said girlies, we went out one night and got a kitty. We named her Lady and she'll steal your heart. Lady has become another best friend, yes I am aware I'm teetering very close to the crazy cat lady edge, but it's fine.
But really, it's made for some of the best experiences. It's slightly dangerous, yes, but things have a way of always working out. And lately I've never been happier.
PS, I just peeked out the window and it's trying to snow. :)
xx
Thursday, December 6, 2012
It's like he forgot what real was
I've been thinking for quite some time now on how'd I'd approach this, you know, the topic of el missionary. I didn't want to sound aloof or bitter or pathetic or snotty or whatever. Words have bounced around in my head for weeks. There is so much to be said about it, but not much is worth saying. This is what it is. Missionary is not who he was. Which is just fine, we all need to become who we are meant to be. It's just sad that the new person Nate is not someone I could ever have in my life. In my eyes Nate wasn't very nice, and I'm sure he feels the same way about me. It's easy to regret all the letters and moments and times we had, but honestly what is to regret? I love who I am now and I wouldn't be here but for all the joy and then pain that Nathan brought.
The biggest thing I learned is that it doesn't matter how bad you want something to work, as long as the other person is giving up. Nate couldn't accept my flaws, while I was so willing to accept his. But I've learned something wonderful about myself. I'm crazy passionate, to a fault. And when I say I love someone I mean it. Nate used to tell me all the silly things couples tell each other, how we were perfect for each other, and nothing would ever take us apart. And I'd say them right back. Now Nate has taken back all the promises he made. But I won't. I said I'd love him, and I said that with eyes wide open, understanding he wasn't perfect, and neither was I. But I was still willing to make forever happen. Because that's what two people in love do, they stick it out through all the thick of thin things, and all the thick of the thickest things. Nate wasn't willing to do that. Not with me. And that's fine. I'll find someone who will.
It's still the most painful thing of my life. Just typing this is causing the room to spin and my chest to get tight as I think of all the happy that's been forfeited. But I wouldn't have it any other way. Nate demonstrated qualities of giving up I would never want in a husband, not when our forever is at stake. I've grown more spiritually and mentally then I think I ever have in my entire life, as pathetic as that sounds haha. I wouldn't wish heartache on anyone, but if this much good could come from it I wouldn't keep it from anyone. One of the strongest truths I've learned from this is that our capacity for love is inversely proportional to our capacity for heartache. So thanks Nate, you've made me a better lover by a million times. Love that unfortunately will never be for you. But that's ok. Really.
One of the worst things Nate said is that he doesn't think of me. The boy that told me he'd love me forever, that nothing compared to me, was now telling me I never crossed his mind. Daggers. I'd like to pretend it was a lie, when he used to say I was his everything. But that's fine. He can be that way if he wants. I think of him though, as one remembers a painfully closed chapter of their life. I would never revisit it, but I remember it with love. I promised once that I'd always love him, and that wasn't conditional like it appears to be with him. That love is a little different now, but it's still there. And oddly, I wouldn't ever have it taken away. I love him still. I believe that you never stop loving someone, and every love is different. So now I look to the future. For as wonderful as things once were with Nathan, they are only going to be even better with someone else. This experience has refined me for when I am to find him, and I'm grateful for it. I'm that much more ready for a real love that will mean more than anything to me. He'll find me when he's ready.
So goodbye Nate. I won't miss you. But I'll think of you. I wish you the very best, and thank you for all the wonderful and terrible things you taught me.
The biggest thing I learned is that it doesn't matter how bad you want something to work, as long as the other person is giving up. Nate couldn't accept my flaws, while I was so willing to accept his. But I've learned something wonderful about myself. I'm crazy passionate, to a fault. And when I say I love someone I mean it. Nate used to tell me all the silly things couples tell each other, how we were perfect for each other, and nothing would ever take us apart. And I'd say them right back. Now Nate has taken back all the promises he made. But I won't. I said I'd love him, and I said that with eyes wide open, understanding he wasn't perfect, and neither was I. But I was still willing to make forever happen. Because that's what two people in love do, they stick it out through all the thick of thin things, and all the thick of the thickest things. Nate wasn't willing to do that. Not with me. And that's fine. I'll find someone who will.
It's still the most painful thing of my life. Just typing this is causing the room to spin and my chest to get tight as I think of all the happy that's been forfeited. But I wouldn't have it any other way. Nate demonstrated qualities of giving up I would never want in a husband, not when our forever is at stake. I've grown more spiritually and mentally then I think I ever have in my entire life, as pathetic as that sounds haha. I wouldn't wish heartache on anyone, but if this much good could come from it I wouldn't keep it from anyone. One of the strongest truths I've learned from this is that our capacity for love is inversely proportional to our capacity for heartache. So thanks Nate, you've made me a better lover by a million times. Love that unfortunately will never be for you. But that's ok. Really.
One of the worst things Nate said is that he doesn't think of me. The boy that told me he'd love me forever, that nothing compared to me, was now telling me I never crossed his mind. Daggers. I'd like to pretend it was a lie, when he used to say I was his everything. But that's fine. He can be that way if he wants. I think of him though, as one remembers a painfully closed chapter of their life. I would never revisit it, but I remember it with love. I promised once that I'd always love him, and that wasn't conditional like it appears to be with him. That love is a little different now, but it's still there. And oddly, I wouldn't ever have it taken away. I love him still. I believe that you never stop loving someone, and every love is different. So now I look to the future. For as wonderful as things once were with Nathan, they are only going to be even better with someone else. This experience has refined me for when I am to find him, and I'm grateful for it. I'm that much more ready for a real love that will mean more than anything to me. He'll find me when he's ready.
So goodbye Nate. I won't miss you. But I'll think of you. I wish you the very best, and thank you for all the wonderful and terrible things you taught me.
Simpler times
I'll always love you. Just differently.
Closed Chapter
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